Richard Doster
In his 1915 poem, “The Death of the Hired Man,” Robert Frost wrote, “Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.” Yesterday, as you and your family took turns talking about the things you’re thankful for, Frost’s words may have taken on new meaning.
For many of us — and maybe for most — there’s that one relative who’s hard to love: a brother who’s got a knack for telling off-color jokes, a daughter-in-law who won’t stop talking about her latest trip, the nephew who can’t (or won’t) hold a job, the cousin who, by golly, is moving to Canada after the inauguration.
They put a damper on our time together. But Robert Frost was right, we don’t have much choice when it comes to family. And while it’s hard to see how these people will ever bring us a lot of joy, a change in perspective might help.
Let’s start with the fact that throughout the Bible there are parallels between the church and the family. In the church we refer to God as Father and to Jesus as our elder brother, while fellow believers are brothers and sisters. If you’ve been in church for very long, you’ve known your share of “difficult” relatives.
The Bible doesn’t sugarcoat it. Just look at 1 Corinthians 13, the famous “love chapter.” It’s wonderfully written. The rhythm of the words draws us in, especially the last line: “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” No wonder it’s woven into so many Christian weddings. But this passage isn’t about weddings, romance, or life-long marriage commitments. It’s written to selfish and stubborn people, chiding them for their bad behavior, and pressing them to repent.
According to the reports that Paul had heard, they judged one another, created divisions over frivolous issues, were sexually immoral, brought nuisance lawsuits, divorced without biblical cause, and snubbed the poor.
So, how would you like to have them over?
Paul could have easily written these people off. They seemed hopeless and beyond the reach of reason. Nobody would have blamed him if he had just moved on. But the church, because it’s family, has aunts and uncles who drive us crazy. When you belong to a church, says Nashville pastor Scott Saul, you’re joining “your imperfect self to many other imperfect selves to form an imperfect community.” But the idea is to move forward, improve, and “journey with Christ toward a better future.”
Paul’s letter was prompted by the fact that these people didn’t know — and couldn’t possibly reveal to outsiders — the joy of God’s family gathering together. But weirdly, Paul affirms them. They mistreat one another, embarrass the church, and shame the gospel — and yet he’s hopeful, not because they’re good, but because they belong to Christ. They’re critical and self-absorbed … at least for now. But Paul is looking ahead, and he’s confident “that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ” (Philippians 1:6).
He can’t give up on these people because they’re family. So, he gets more involved with them, not less. Instead of avoiding them or excluding them, he embraces them as his “beloved brothers, sisters, sons, and daughters in the faith.” He’s trying hard to see them as the redeemed and sanctified saints they’ll one day be.
For now, and at yesterday’s dinner, they’re a pain. But Paul thanks God for them and strategically reminds them that Jesus will sustain them until the end. He reminds them — with words and by his attitude — that Jesus has a plan to transform their lives and mold them into glorious image bearers of God.
Paul looks at these broken people and sees them the way Jesus does: as sons and daughters of God, sisters and brothers to one another, and fellow heirs of Christ’s kingdom. And so, he wants them to thrive.
In C.S. Lewis’s “The Screwtape Letters,” Screwtape, the experienced devil, tells Wormwood, his apprentice, that the church can be the devil’s ally. All Wormwood has to do is get Christians to study the people in the same pew — especially the ones “who have squeaky boots and double chins, and who sing off-key.” The devil knows that when we see another’s flaws, we isolate ourselves and become distant.
Instead, we might recall “that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). So, today, while we’re heating up the leftovers, let’s not lose hope: He might still have an extraordinary plan for that cousin who’s this close to being unbearable.
Richard Doster lives in Fernandina Beach with his wife Sally. He’s the founding editor of byFaith, the magazine of the Presbyterian Church in America. Reach him at doster.richard@gmail.com.